Thief & superstition

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

Sardar & chicken farm

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens. Because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

Niagra falls

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagra Falls . These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?"

Sardar controls mosquitoes

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated...drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Sardar's auto

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.

Sardar : Can't you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

Drunkard

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.


The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .


" The only thing is
...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............
...............

...............

...............


...............

...............


...............

...............

...............


............ ...

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............


I just quit drinking!!!

Salary hiking strategy

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

Sardar divorces

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.

Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?

Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

How to ask your boss for a salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely

Norman $oh

!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply


Dear NOrman

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

Yours truly

Manager

Terrorism V Marriage

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

-- Sam Kinison

Two sides of a coin

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;

they stay together but still they don't face each other, .

Sardar buys a mobile phone

Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is Nokia 6610"

Sardar works at museum

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

Sardar buys a radio

Banta: You cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Banta: Radio label shows "Made in Japan" but radio says this is "All India Radio" !

Sardar at an accident spot

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar at museum

At a museum

Curator : That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Sardar the Terrororist

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar & his boss

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: Punjab..

Boss: which part?

Sardar: Kya which part? Whole body born in Punjab.

New wife

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to control your son!

Order

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says:- "I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk." Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man. God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Management Lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

Impact of job change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –

I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years..."

An email forward i received

Often we get forwarded mails
But sometimes it happens to be of a useful one for us.
Happened to get such one
I am sure it will be useful worth a read..,

It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do :

The elbow

is the strongest point

on your body.

If you are close enough to use it,

do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide

in New Orleans.

If a robber asks

for your wallet and/or purse,

DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM .

Toss it away from you....

chances are

that he is more interested

in your wallet and/or purse

than you,

and he will go

for the wallet/purse.

RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown

into the trunk of a car,

kick out the back tail lights

and stick your arm out the hole

and start waving like crazy.

The driver won't see you,

but everybody else will.

This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency

to get into their cars after shopping,

eating, working, etc.,

and just sit (doing their checkbook,

or making a list, etc.

DON'T DO THIS!)

The predator

will be watching you,

and this is the perfect opportunity

for him to get in

on the passenger side,

put a gun to your head,

and tell you where to go.

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,

LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone

is in the car

with a gun

to your head

DO NOT DRIVE OFF,

repeat:

DO NOT DRIVE OFF!

Instead gun the engine

and speed into anything,

wrecking the car.

Your Air Bag will save you.

If the person is

in the back seat

they will get the worst of it ...

As soon as the car crashes

bail out and run.

It is better than having them

find your body

in a remote location.

5 . A few notes about getting

into your car in a parking lot,

or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:

look around you,

look into your car,

at the passenger side floor ,

and in the back seat

B..) If you are parked next to a big van,

enter your car from the passenger door ...

Most serial killers attack their victims

by pulling them into their vans

while the women are attempting

to get into their cars.

C..) Look at the car

parked on the driver's side

of your vehicle,

and the passenger side.

If a male is sitting alone

in the seat nearest your car,

you may want to walk back

into the mall, or work,

and get a guard/policeman

to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS

take the elevator

instead of the stairs.

(Stairwells are horrible places

to be alone

and the perfect crime spot.

This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun

and you are not under his control,

ALWAYS RUN!

The predator will only hit you

(a running target)

4 in 100 times;

And even then,

it most likely

WILL NOT

be a vital organ.

RUN,

Preferably !

in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women,

we are always trying

to be sympathetic:

STOP .

It may get you raped,

or killed.

Ted Bundy,

the serial killer,

was a good-looking,

well educated man,

who ALWAYS played

on the sympathies

of unsuspecting women.

He walked with a cane,

or a limp,

and often asked

"for help"

into his vehicle

or with his vehicle,

which is when he abducted

his next victim.

************ * Here it is *******

9. Another Safety Point:

Someone just told me

that her friend heard

a crying baby on her porch

the night before last,

and she called the police

because it was late

and she thought it was weird.

The police told her

"Whatever you do,

DO NOT

open the door."

The lady

then said that

it sounded like the baby

had crawled near a window,

and she was worried

that it would crawl

to the street

and get run over.

The policeman said,

"We already have a unit on the way,

whatever you do,

DO NOT open the door."

He told her that they think

a serial killer

has a baby's cry recorded

and uses it to coax

women out of their homes

thinking that someone

dropped off a baby

He said they have not verified it,

but have had several calls

by women saying that

they hear baby's cries

outside their doors

when they're home alone

at night.

Please pass this on and

DO NOT

open the door

for a crying baby ----

This

e-mail should probably

be taken seriously because

the Crying Baby theory

was mentioned on

America 's Most Wanted

this past Saturday

when they profiled

the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you

to forward this

to all the women you know.

It may save a life.

A candle is not dimmed

by lighting another candle.

I was going to send this to the ladies only,

but guys,

if you love your mothers,

wives,

sisters,

daughters, etc.,

you may want to

pass it onto them, as well.

Send this

to any woman you know

that may need

to be reminded

that the world we live in

has a lot of crazies in it

and it's better to be safe

than sorry.

Pole vault

Cinema versions

The real happening
Telugu version

Tamil version

Appraisal Vs Resignation

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.

During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

Sitting on top

Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying....
When a Person asked what he was doing....
He replied... Oye!! Higher Studies Yaar...!!!

Wife

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Gui try

Kidnap story

There was a Sardarji who was down on his luck. In order to raise some money he decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
He went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree,and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
Sardarji then wrote a note saying:"I've kidnapped your kid.Tomorrow morning, put Rs.2,00,000 in a paper bag and put it beneath the mango tree on the north side of the playground".
Signed: "A Sardarji".
Sardarji then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents ... JJ

The next morning the Sardarji checked, and sure enough a paper bag was kept beneath the mango tree.The boy was sitting next to the bag. Sardarji opened up the bag and found the Rs.2,00,000 in cash with a note saying:"How can a sardarji do this to a fellow Sardarji?Take the money, and Please leave my son."
Signed: Another Sardarji ... JJJJ

Girlish facts

If a Girl meets with accident -------------------- Then its "mistake of others"

If a Boy meets with same accident ------------ Bloody you "don't know how to Drive"

Management mantra

The crow, rabbit and fox

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: ” Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Girlish facts

If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"

If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"

Girlish facts

If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"

If Boy Slaps a girl -------------- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"

Girlish facts

When a Girl Cries ------------ The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries ---------- Come on man don't be A "Girl"

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE:

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?HAVE A NICE DAY

Surprise word jumblings

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROO M

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Mother in law story

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.
In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband the great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.
"Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy.She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in- law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

HOW TO START YOUR DAY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE:

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it " Boss "
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN
4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN
5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?"
6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....
7. Feel better?HAVE A NICE DAY

Intelligence Test

Below are four ( 4 ) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer
them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!!

First Question:
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What
position are you in?









Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely
wrong! If you overtake the second person, you take his place, so you are
second!

Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question,but don't take as much time as you took
for the first one, OK ?

Second Question:
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong
again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?

You're not very good at this, are you?


Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only .
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .
Add another 1000 .. Now add 20 .. Now add another 1000
Now add 10 .. What is the total?


Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100.
If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
...Maybe.


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary. Read the question again!

How are you?

Birdie

Artistic

Coffee art

UFO

Co existence

Corporate lesson

Drink. Don't drive

Corporate lesson

I post this letter

Customer : If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?

Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.

Customer : I bet you, it won't.

Post Master : Why not?

Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.

Dinner choices

Wife : Do you want dinner?

Husband : Sure, what are my choices?

Wife : Yes and no.

Puzzle

In the middle of the forest, you have been tied and hanging from a tree with the rope anchored to the ground. A candle is burning the rope. The lion is waiting for you to get dropped. A good lunch for the lion but your fate is at stake.




Your survival hinges on the rope staying intact. There is no one around to help you.

What to do now...



Just Think




Scroll Down




Think








Sing a Happy Birthday Song

Suicide

Love

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Yes Dear.

Girl : Would you die for me?

Boy : No, mine is undying love.

Absent mind

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.

'My trouble is,' he said, 'that I keep forgetting things.'

'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.

'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Dream

Teacher : Peter, why are you late for school again?

Peter: Well, Miss, I dreamed that I was playing football and the game went into extra time.

Waiter

Customer : Waiter, this soup tastes funny.

Waiter : Funny? But then why aren't you laughing?

Babysitting

Superstition

Thief A: Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

Thief B : But this is the 13th floor.

Thief A: Hurry! this is no time for superstitions .

Blind man

Waiter

Waiter : I have stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer : Don't tell me your problems. Give the menu card.

Soup

Customer : Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.

Waiter : That's all right sir, he won't drink much.

Soup

Customer : Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.

Waiter : Yes sir, they are not very good swimmers.

Think twice before you help somebody

Little Susie

Little Susie came running into the house after school one day, shouting,"Daddy! Daddy! I got a 100 in school today!"
"That's great, Sweetheart," said her daddy.
"Come in to the living room and tell me about it."

"Well," began the confession, "I got 50 in spelling, 30 in math's and 20 in science."

Waiter

Customer : Waiter, is this a lamb chop or pork chop?

Waiter : Can't you tell the difference by taste?

Customer : No, I can't.

Waiter : Then does it really matter ?

Waiter

Customer : Waiter, do you serve crabs?

Waiter : Please sit down sir, we serve everyone.

Oh God !

Diet Cola

Problem solved

Order, order

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,
"Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Train

Woman: Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Woman: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Capitalism

Sardar the student

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.

He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Difficult question posed to Sardar

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever

What will come first, Chicken or egg?

O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

Father thy nighbour

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless Mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mummy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be ok.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said
"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
HERE.
He asked "What"??????
She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died."

Corporate language

1."We will do it" means" You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means" More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means" We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means" Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!".

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means" I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means" We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means" I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means" We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means" We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means
" Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means" Well even if you told me earlier that would
have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means" Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important, your leave is always granted.
Just ensure that the work is not affected," means," Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means," I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means" You are in trouble"

Marry not more than once

Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY two Women.

Do you know why??

As per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same mistake.

Pray XX Pay

When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.

Even after you pray, if you are still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

Congrats for your mistake

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

Girl Friend

If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.

If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

4 ants & 1 elephant

Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us BREAK his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just THROW him away from our path..

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

Love

Love your friends not their sisters.

Love your sisters not their friends.

FASTEST means of Communication

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE..

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

Wise men

A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking,

but

A WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

3 Easy Ways to Die

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.

Leader Should Know How to Manage Failure.

Former President of India APJ Abdul Kalam: 'A Leader Should Know How to Manage Failure'


India Knowledge Wharton: Could you give an example, from your own experience, of how leaders should manage failure?


Kalam: Let me tell you about my experience. In 1973 I became the project director of India's satellite launch vehicle program, commonly called the SLV-3. Our goal was to put India's "Rohini" satellite into orbit by 1980. I was given funds and human resources -- but was told clearly that by 1980 we had to launch the satellite into space. Thousands of people worked together in scientific and technical teams towards that goal.


By 1979 -- I think the month was August -- we thought we were ready. As the project director, I went to the control center for the launch. At four minutes before the satellite launch, the computer began to go through the checklist of items that needed to be checked. One minute later, the computer program put the launch on hold; the display showed that some control components were not in order. My experts -- I had four or five of them with me -- told me not to worry; they had done their calculations and there was enough reserve fuel. So I bypassed the computer, switched to manual mode, and launched the rocket. In the first stage, everything worked fine. In the second stage, a problem developed. Instead of the satellite going into orbit, the whole rocket system plunged into the Bay of Bengal. It was a big failure.


That day, the chairman of the Indian Space Research Organization, Prof. Satish Dhawan, had called a press conference. The launch was at 7:00 am, and the press conference -- where journalists from around the world were present -- was at 7:45 am at ISRO's satellite launch range in Sriharikota [in Andhra Pradesh in southern India ]. Prof. Dhawan, the leader of the organization, conducted the press conference himself. He too k responsibility for the failure -- he said that the team had worked very hard, but that it needed more technological support. He assured the media that in another year, the team would definitely succeed. Now, I was the project director, and it was my failure, but instead, he took responsibility for the failure as chairman of the organization.


The next year, in July 1980, we tried again to launch the satellite -- and this time we succeeded. The whole nation was jubilant. Again, there was a press conference. Prof. Dhawan called me aside and told me, "You conduct the press conference today."


I learned a very important lesson that day. When failure occurred, the leader of the organization owned that failure.. When success came, he gave it to his team. The best management lesson I have learned did not come to me from reading a book; it came from that experience.

Should Mr.Gates sell Windows?

Letter from Banta Singh to Mr. Bill Gates

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

Sub: Problems with my new computer

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your kind notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

3. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this 'find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

4. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'My Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

6. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that.

7. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

8. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

9. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,
Banta

Last one to Mr. Bill Gates:

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?

Where is the Secret of Life?

Thank you Sathynarain

Capitalism

Face dance

Parents / Kids

Revenge at its own height - 4

Revenge at its own height - 3

Revenge at its own height - 2

Revenge at its own height - 1

Pickem up

They don't know any other job.

Save me

Deforestation drive..

Bonsai

Brainy bond 007

War child

The gun, the babie

Oh God !

A faithful servant

Think before you hire,
You have to pay for minimising the cost

I think, I think

I don't need gas.

Fasten your belt

You can't dethrone me.

Loyal servant