Sunday, December 17, 2006

just some fun !!

> Should women have children after 35?
> No, 35 children are more than enough!
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> Your future depends on your dreams
> So go to sleep !
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> Do you know of a Sardar who parked his car in
> front of board which said FINE FOR PARKING
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> A drunk was hauled into court. Mister, the judge
> began, you've been brought here for drinking..
> Great, the drunk exclaimed. When do we get
> started?
> -----------------
> Can you do anything that other people can't?
> Sure, I can read my handwriting..
> -----------------
> Divorce has become so common that my wife and I
> are staying married just to be different..
> -----------------
> When a wife was asked: What book do you like the best?
> She answers: My husband's cheque book..
> ----------------
> Girlfriend: And are you sure you love me and no one else?
> Boyfriend: Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
> ----------------
> Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?
> Customer: What other colors do you have?
> ----------------
> My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
> ----------------
> Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say
> prayers before eating?
> Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
> --------------------
> Dad: Son, what do u want for ur birthday?
> Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it.
> --------------------
> Teacher: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
> Desmond: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
> --------------------
> Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
> Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
> --------------------
> Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
> Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do
> you?
> ---------------------
> Man: Officer! There's a bomb in my garden!
> Officer: Don't worry. If no one claims it within three days, you can keep it.
> -------------------
> Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
> Son: That's why I say she's no good!

Some Funny Ones

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

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The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'

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Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious

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When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

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In a trial all the witnesses were women. All women appeared in court, each started to shout on top of their voices, accusing each other of the trouble. Looking at the gravity of the situation, the judge called for "I'll hear the oldest first".

Subsequently, the case was closed coz "ALL WITNESSES TURNED HOSTILE AS NO ONE TESTIFIED"

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A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine."

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Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying, "Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls." The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his Father."

Try this magic in google

To See the Magic Plz do the following steps...

Open Internet Explorer(IE) .
1. Go to Google
2. Under Google Click on the option IMAGES
3. Type "Paintings" or any other word.
4. Click Search
5. You will get a page which is having full of Painting images.
6. When pictures of images are displayed then delete the item from the address bar and paste the below script and then hit enter.


java-script: R=0;x1=.1; y1=.05;x2=.25; y2=.24;x3= 1.6; y3=.24;x4=300; y4=200;x5= 300;y5=200; DI=document. images;DIL= DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i

Dont DRIVE WITH UR WIFE:)

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police officer.

The following exchange took place.

The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 speed in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65 km."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80 km/p."
(The man gave his wife adirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillight. "
Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks."
(The man gave his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

Theman turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband talkto you this way all the time?"
The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."

A company with less than 500 employees

Can you imagine working for a company that has a
little less than 500 employees and has the following
statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
* 7 have been arrested for fraud
* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
* 3 have done time for assault
* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year

Can you guess which organization this is?


Give up yet?


It's the 435 members of the United States Congress.
The same group who crank out hundreds of
new laws each year designed to keep the
rest of the Americans in line

Interesting history

Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids
already, three who were deaf, two who were blind,
one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would
you recommend that she have an abortion?

Answer:- If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven.


Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only
your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three
leading candidates.
>
Candidate A -
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two Mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
>
Candidate B -
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C -
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian,
doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never
cheated on his wife.
>
Which of these candidates would be your Choice?
>

Candidate A: is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B: is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C: is Adolph Hitler. (Let us remind you that he and his wife were only married for a day before they killed themselves.)

Is English a stupid language 1

There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
French fries were not invented in France.

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat ! ?

Park on driveways and Drive on parkways

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they become invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts
But when I wind up this poem It ends....................................

Friday, December 08, 2006

For puppy lovers: ......

Dear friends,

I need a favor!!
One of my friends has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house trained,
and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife
says the dog 'stares' at her always
,


If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.
Here's a picture of the dog
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Thursday, December 07, 2006

Envy your wife ! Think twice ::

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed at home. He wanted her to see what he went through each day, so he prayed:-

"Dear Lord, I go to work every day and put in 8 hours of hard work, while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please create a trade in our bodies". God, in His infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish.

The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home, picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to draw money to pay the electricity and telephone bills.


He drove to the electricity company and the phone company and paid the bills, went grocery shopping, came home and put away the groceries. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1:00 pm, so he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor.

He rushed to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home which he had to sort out in a gentle 'motherly' fashion. He set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and was able to watch a bit of TV while he did the ironing. By then it was 4:30 pm, so he began peeling potatoes and washed greens for salads. He prepared the chops and
Fresh vegetables and got everything ready in time for an early dinner.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9:00 pm he was exhausted and although his chores weren't finished for the day, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaining. The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said:-

"Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, O please, let us trade back!" The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.


You'll just have to wait 9 months though, because you had an unplanned / unshielded event and got pregnant last night!!!"

The Shortest Short Story

Thursday, November 30, 2006

No its not "better late than never"

Sometimes v too get noticed...

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in IT Company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don’t eat a person who is working."

Cemetry of IT Professionals



Sunday, November 26, 2006

Call center

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".Customer: "No".Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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English !!!

The The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased-in plan that would become known as"Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k." This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and"w" with "v."
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou".............. and after ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubl or difikultis and evri vun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!!!!


The HR executive's Love Letter!

hi,
very good morning!!!!! Have a wonderful day!!!

|----------------------------------------------------------------------|
|The HR executive's Love Letter!
|
|
|
|Dearest Ms Juliet,
|
|
|
|I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you
|
|since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting
held|
|between us on the 27th of July at 1500 hrs, I would like to present
|
|myself as a prospective lover.
|
|
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|Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months
and|
|depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon
|
|completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training
|
|and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover
|
|to spouse.
|
|
|
|The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be
|
|shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might
|
|take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded
|
|enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
|
|
|
|I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
|
|letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further
|
|notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if
|
|you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to
|
|take up this offer.
|
|
|
|Thanking you in anticipation,
|
|
|
|Yours sincerely,
|
|( HR Executive )

Lallu !!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.

He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was Lallu Yadav. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll give the American engineer $1 million and send him to Mars"....

Technical support

Call to technical support:

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.


Customer Service: What is wrong with it?


Caller: Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?


Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.


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Possible movie names these guys may act in.....

Rajini: Sivaji, MGR, Geminiganesan,Nagesh……..

Vijaykanth: Dharmapuri, Masala poori, Chola poori , Pani poori….

Surya: Vattaram, Muconam, Chathurangam….

Vijay: Sachin, Dravid, Kumble, Dhoni……

Surya: 6, 7,8 ,9 ….

Jeeva: E, Erumbu, Kosu, Kambilipoochi, Karapaampoochi…..

SharathKumar: Thalaimagan, Chithappamagan, Athaimagan, Marumagan….

Ajith: Varalaru,, Areviyal, Kanakku, English, puviyiyal, vedhiyal, thavaraviyal ..,

Kamal: Vetaiyadu Vilayadu, Kabadi Vilayadu, Olinju Vilayadu……

Masters of transport and logistics (1)





Masters of transport and logistics (2)





Monday, November 06, 2006

A Fascinating Story!

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.

And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.

We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

Old Hindu legend...

There was once a time when all human beings were gods, but they so abused their divinity that Brahma, the chief god, decided to take it away from them and hide it where it could never be found.

Where to hide their divinity was the question. So Brahma called a council of the gods to help him decide. "Let's bury it deep in the earth," said the gods. But Brahma answered, "No, that will not do because humans will dig into the earth and find it." Then the gods said, "Let's sink it in the deepest ocean." But Brahma said, "No, not there, for they will learn to dive into the ocean and will find it." Then the gods said, "Let's take it to the top of the highest mountain and hide it there." But once again Brahma replied, "No, that will not do either, because they will eventually climb every mountain and once again take up their divinity." Then the gods gave up and said, "We do not know where to hide it, because it seems that there is no place on earth or in the sea that human beings will not eventually reach."

Brahma thought for a long time and then said, "Here is what we will do. We will hide their divinity deep in the center of their own being, for humans will never think to look for it there."

All the gods agreed that this was the perfect hiding place, and the deed was done. And since that time humans have been going up and down the earth, digging, diving, climbing, and exploring--searching for something already within themselves.

Have a break..

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

Criminal Lawyers Award

<>A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Einstein's Chauffer

This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity.

After having propounded his famous theorY, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!"

"Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"

And so it went to be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change.

Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!"

FBI

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Oh God

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.

Don't Shake

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Be prepared for the different question!!

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it,especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good balls. Also BobWoolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in b! ig effort and deliver good result all the time.

Tony: #$@()#@!|_-?????!!!!!

Sunday, October 29, 2006

Daughter in law

It is a myth that when a son gets married and a new daughter in law
arrives in the family, everything changes.
Some daughters in law are well trained and well mannered!!!!!. They
don't come to change the family, they are there to............ read
the following:

The new wife (progressive Indian woman of today) was being welcomed
at the husband's home in a traditional manner.
As expected she gave a speech:
" My dear family, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and
family", she said "Firstly, my being here does not mean that I would
want to change your way of life, your routine."
"No, I will never do that, never in a million years".
"What do you mean my child?" Asked the father in law.
"What I mean, dad, is (looking at her father in law):
Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop at my account, and Those who used to
Clean should continue cleaning".
"Then what are you here for?" Asked the mother in law.

"As for me, I'm here just to entertain your son!"
Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it,especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good balls. Also BobWoolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in b! ig effort and deliver good result all the time.

Tony: #$@()#@!|_-?????!!!!!

Sunday, October 22, 2006

SARDAR is BACK

Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Friend: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Friend: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower Berth..


2

Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at night, nobody
Will b there.............
Girl goes at night & really nobody was there


3

A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C.
After seeing the Form He had gone to DELHI
for
Filling up. U knows y?
FORM said " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".

4

A sardar invested 2 Lakhs in a business and Suffered
huge Loss.
Do u know what the business was? . . . . .
He opened a Saloon in Punjab !.


5

A Teacher lecturing on population - In India
after
Every 10 sec a women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

6

Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?

7

Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them
TIRED&RETIRED!

8

19 SARDARS WENT 4A FILM.ON ASKING THEM Y THEY CAME
IN A BIG GROUP OF 19? THEY REPLIED THAT THE FILM WAS
ONLY FOR ABOVE 18...

9

A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face
in a funeral function, suddenly all relatives beat
him why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

10

Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".


11

Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs
tree, sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why
he does this.
Srdr:"I've been promoted as branch manager."


12

Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"_-=

13

Sardarji was filling up application form for a job.
He was not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary Expected".
After much thought he wrote : Yes!


14

SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY.
HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF
- I SARDAR, SHE SARDARNEE,
THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....

15

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to
his college.
U knw Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

16

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It"s already raining.
Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

17

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa

18

ON A ROMANTIC DATE SARDARS GIRL FRIEND ASKS
HIM,DARLING ON OUR ENGAGEMENT WILL U GIVE ME A RING?
HE SAID YA SURE WHATS YOUR PHONE NUMBER


19

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult
question ever - What will come first, Chicken or
egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first.

20

A dog was chasing a Sardar and the Sardar was
laughing.
A bystander: why are u laughing?
Sardar: I have a Air cell phone but still hutch
network is following me.

21

Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket.
Dealer gave 11 cr after deducting tax.
Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else return my 20 Rs
back.!


22

A teacher told all students in a class to write an
essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing except one Sardarji.He wrote
"DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

23

Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This
Packet Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u
could have posted it....

24

What does a sardar do after taking a xerox?
He will compare it with the original for any
spelling mistakes.


25

Sardar proposed a Girl......Girl said 'I'm 1yr elder
to you'...........
Sardar said 'Oye No Problem Soniye,I'll marry you
NEXT YEAR.


26

WHY CANT SARDARS DIAL NINE-ELEVEN (911) AT
EMERGENCY?
** THEY CAN NOT FIND THE ELEVEN ON THE PHONE.


27

Sardar & his wife buy coffee in a shop.
Sardar says... Drink quickly......
Wife asks why...
sardar says hot coffee Rs5 and cold coffee Rs10


28

A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll
apply NEXT YEAR


29

Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die lik my grandpa
who died peacefuly in his sleep not screamin like
all d passengers in d car he was driving..




30

Sardar at an Art Gallery : I suppose this horrible
looking thing is what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!


32

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't
read very fast.


33

Sardar news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard
in Punjab . Local sardars have so far found 500
bodies and are still digging for more..

34

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes
walking at evening not in the morning. Sardarji
replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".


35

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. Man
says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last
words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON OXYGEN TUBE!"

3
6
Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with
his eyes closed.
His wife asked what you are doing ?
He said-im seeing how i look while sleeping.



Thankx Vishnu

Bush Jokes

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack. It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."
=====================


Musharraf calls Bush on 11th Sept:
Musharraf: Mr President, I would like to express my condolences to you. It is a real tragedy. So many people, such great buildings, I would like to ensure that we had nothing in connection with that....
Bush : What buildings? What people??
Musharraf: Oh, and what time is it in America now?
Bush : It's eight in the morning.
Musharraf: Oops...Will call back in an hour!


=====================
Vajpai and Bush are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman,
"Isn't that Bush and Vajpayee?" The barman says "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning world war 3"

The guy says, "Really?
What's going to happen?" And Vajpayee says, "Well, we're going to kill 14 million Pakistanis and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaimed

"A bicycle repairman?!!!" Vajpayee turns to Bush and says, "See, I told you no-one would worry about the 14 million Pakistanis!"
=====================

Pakistani on the moon:
Q : What do you call 1 Pakistani on the moon?
A : Problem...
Q : What do you call 10 Pakistanis on the moon?
A : Problem...
Q : What do you call a 100 Pakistanis on the moon?
A : Problem...
Q :What do you call ALL the Pakistanis on the moon?
A : ...... Problem Solved!!!!!

Thankx Vishnu
Interesting.
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts of America, and are things attorneys actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters ,who had to suffer from the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually takingplace.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check fora pulse?WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive andpractising law.

Thankx Ethiraj

Appraisal time

Thankx Ganesh

Indian movie - Good one.................


Thankx Vishnu

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

AIR XCAAN RULES!!!!!!!

XCAAN
WELCOME TO AIR XCAAN ( hope you know this airline)

Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen... .

This is your captain PATEL welcoming both seated and
standing passengers
on
board of Air XCAAN.

We apologize for the four-day delay in taking off,it
was due to bad
weather
and partly due to the search for a missing
tyre.

This is flight 717 to Mumbai. Landing there is not
guaranteed, but we will end up somewhere in India .
And, if luck is in
our favor, we may even be landing on your village!

Air XCAAN has an excellent safety-record. In fact,
our safety standards are so high, that even
terrorists are afraid to
fly with us! It is with

pleasure; I announce that, starting this year, over
30% of our Passengers have reached their
destination.

If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger
request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make
your free fall to
earth pleasant and memorable, we serve Complimentary
Daru and Vada
Pav. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the
only
airline who can help you find out if there really is
a God!

We regret to inform you, that today's in-flight
movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it
from the television.
However, for our movie buffs, we will be flying
right next to Kingfisher Airline, where their movie
will be visible from the right side of the cabin
window.

There is no smoking allowed in this airplane. Any
smoke you see in the Cabin is only the early warning
system on the
engines telling us to slow down!

In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly
as close as possible. For the best view , if
however, we go a
little too close, do let us know. Our enthusiastic
co-pilot sometimes
flies right through the landmark!

Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright
position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For
those of you who
can't
find a seat-belt,

kindly Fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat.
And, for those of
you
who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in
touch with a stewardess
who
will explain how to fasten yourself to your
suitcase.

THANKX PRASATH

True software engineer