No its not "better late than never"

Sometimes v too get noticed...

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in IT Company.

During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees". The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.

Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: "Which of you idiots ate the developer?"

One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don’t eat a person who is working."

Cemetry of IT Professionals

Call center

Customer: "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?". Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".
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Samsung Electronics Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?" Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven. Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
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Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop". Customer: "OK". Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".Customer: "No".Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No". Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?". Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
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Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
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English !!!

The The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phased-in plan that would become known as"Euro-English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k." This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expected to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and"w" with "v."
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou".............. and after ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be
no mor trubl or difikultis and evri vun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze vorld!!!!

The HR executive's Love Letter!

hi,
very good morning!!!!! Have a wonderful day!!!

|----------------------------------------------------------------------|
|The HR executive's Love Letter!
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|
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|Dearest Ms Juliet,
|
|
|
|I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you
|
|since the 14th of October (Sunday). With reference to the meeting
held|
|between us on the 27th of July at 1500 hrs, I would like to present
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|myself as a prospective lover.
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|Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months
and|
|depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon
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|completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training
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|and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover
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|to spouse.
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|
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|The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be
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|shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might
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|take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded
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|enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.
|
|
|
|I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this
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|letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further
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|notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if
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|you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to
|
|take up this offer.
|
|
|
|Thanking you in anticipation,
|
|
|
|Yours sincerely,
|
|( HR Executive )

Lallu !!

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one person could go, and he will not return to Earth.

The first applicant, an American engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"A million dollars", he answered, "because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a Russian doctor, was asked the same question.

He asked for two million dollars. "I wish to give a million to my family, he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was Lallu Yadav. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The Indian Politician replied, $1 million is for you, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll give the American engineer $1 million and send him to Mars"....

Technical support

Call to technical support:

Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.


Customer Service: What is wrong with it?


Caller: Mouse is jammed.

Customer Service: Mouse? And how it is related to printer?


Caller: Mmmm.. Wait, I will send a picture.


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Possible movie names these guys may act in.....

Rajini: Sivaji, MGR, Geminiganesan,Nagesh……..

Vijaykanth: Dharmapuri, Masala poori, Chola poori , Pani poori….

Surya: Vattaram, Muconam, Chathurangam….

Vijay: Sachin, Dravid, Kumble, Dhoni……

Surya: 6, 7,8 ,9 ….

Jeeva: E, Erumbu, Kosu, Kambilipoochi, Karapaampoochi…..

SharathKumar: Thalaimagan, Chithappamagan, Athaimagan, Marumagan….

Ajith: Varalaru,, Areviyal, Kanakku, English, puviyiyal, vedhiyal, thavaraviyal ..,

Kamal: Vetaiyadu Vilayadu, Kabadi Vilayadu, Olinju Vilayadu……

Masters of transport and logistics (1)

Masters of transport and logistics (2)

A Fascinating Story!

A lady in a faded gingham dress and her husband, dressed in a homespun threadbare suit, stepped off the train in Boston, and walked timidly without an appointment into the president of Harvard's outer office. The secretary could tell in a moment that such backwoods, country hicks had no business at Harvard and probably didn't even deserve to be in Cambridge.

She frowned. "We want to see the president," the man said softly. "He'll be busy all day," the secretary snapped. "We'll wait," the lady replied. For hours, the secretary ignored them, hoping that the couple would finally become discouraged and go away.

They didn't. And the secretary grew frustrated and finally decided to disturb the president, even though it was a chore she always regretted to do. "Maybe if they just see you for a few minutes, they'll leave," she told him.

And he sighed in exasperation and nodded. Someone of his importance obviously didn't have the time to spend with them, but he detested gingham dresses and homespun suits cluttering up his outer office. The president, stern-faced with dignity, strutted toward the couple. The lady told him, "We had a son who attended Harvard for one year. He loved Harvard. He was happy here. But about a year ago, he was accidentally killed. And my husband and I would like to erect a memorial to him, somewhere on campus."

The president wasn't touched, he was shocked. "Madam," he said gruffly. "We can't put up a statue for every person who attended Harvard and died. If we did, this place would look like a cemetery". "Oh, no," the lady explained quickly. "We don't want to erect a statue.

We thought we would like to give a building to Harvard." The president rolled his eyes. He glanced at the gingham dress and homespun suit, and then exclaimed, "A building! Do you have any earthly idea how much a building costs? We have over seven and a half million dollars in the physical plant at Harvard." For a moment the lady was silent. The president was pleased. He could get rid of them now. And the lady turned to her husband and said quietly, "Is that all it costs to start a University? Why don't we just start our own?" Her husband nodded. The president's face wilted in confusion and bewilderment. And Mr. and Mrs. Leland Stanford walked away, traveling to Palo Alto, California where they established the University that bears their name, a memorial to a son that Harvard no longer cared about.

Old Hindu legend...

There was once a time when all human beings were gods, but they so abused their divinity that Brahma, the chief god, decided to take it away from them and hide it where it could never be found.

Where to hide their divinity was the question. So Brahma called a council of the gods to help him decide. "Let's bury it deep in the earth," said the gods. But Brahma answered, "No, that will not do because humans will dig into the earth and find it." Then the gods said, "Let's sink it in the deepest ocean." But Brahma said, "No, not there, for they will learn to dive into the ocean and will find it." Then the gods said, "Let's take it to the top of the highest mountain and hide it there." But once again Brahma replied, "No, that will not do either, because they will eventually climb every mountain and once again take up their divinity." Then the gods gave up and said, "We do not know where to hide it, because it seems that there is no place on earth or in the sea that human beings will not eventually reach."

Brahma thought for a long time and then said, "Here is what we will do. We will hide their divinity deep in the center of their own being, for humans will never think to look for it there."

All the gods agreed that this was the perfect hiding place, and the deed was done. And since that time humans have been going up and down the earth, digging, diving, climbing, and exploring--searching for something already within themselves.

Have a break..

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All Polar bears are left-handed.

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

I am. is the shortest complete sentence in the English language

If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.

The sentence, "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.

The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You share your birthday with at least nine million other people in the world.

Criminal Lawyers Award

<>A Charlotte, NC, lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued...and won!

In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The Judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire, and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

Einstein's Chauffer

This is a true life anecdote about Albert Einstein, and his theory of relativity.

After having propounded his famous theorY, Albert Einstein would tour the various Universities in the United States, delivering lectures wherever he went. He was always accompanied by his faithful chauffer, Harry, who would attend each of these lectures while seated in the back row! One fine day, after Einstein had finished a lecture and was coming out of the auditorium into his vehicle, Harry addresses him and says, "Professor Einstein, I've heard your lecture on Relativity so many times, that if I were ever given the opportunity, I would be able to deliver it to perfection myself!"

"Very well," replied Einstein, "I'm going to Dartmouth next week. They don't know me there. You can deliver the lecture as Einstein, and I'll take your place as Harry!"

And so it went to be... Harry delivered the lecture to perfection, without a word out of place, while Einstein sat in the back row playing "chauffer", and enjoying a snooze for a change.

Just as Harry was descending from the podium, however, one of the research assistants intercepted him, and began to ask him a question on the theory of relativity.... one that involved a lot of complex calculations and equations. Harry replied to the assistant "The answer to this question is very simple! In fact, it's so simple, that I'm going to let my chauffer answer it!"

FBI

The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME; the author who introduces the story swears it's true.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite. The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.

The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent: Hello. I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's right. I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You're an FBI agent?
Agent: That's correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That's correct. And make sure you don't go through the front (go) to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That's right. We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man: And you're all FBI agents?
Agent: That's right. Everyone here is an FBI agent. Can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: I don't think so.

Oh God

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally...

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.

Don't Shake

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Be prepared for the different question!!

Most cricketers, who are not comfortable in conversing in English, go prepared for some standard questions that are asked from them when commentators chat with them during the awards ceremony.

Inzamam was once asked a different question after Pakistan won the match, for which he was not prepared. He always had a standard response to the first question. But this time.....

Tony Greig: So Inzi, that's fantastic, your wife is pregnant for the second time!

Inzamam: Bismillah-e-Rehman-e-Rahim! All credit goes to the boys. Everyone work hard for it,especially Afridi. It was tight situation when he went in. Without his strokes it not have been possible. He was pulling the good balls. Also BobWoolmer keeping close watch on progress and giving instructions. It's all team effort which pulled us out of big hole. Insha Allah, we all will work together as team, put in b! ig effort and deliver good result all the time.

Tony: #$@()#@!|_-?????!!!!!