Thief & superstition

1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!

2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.

1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions

Sardar & chicken farm

Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens. Because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at the dealer for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too deep.'

Niagra falls

Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagra Falls . These are the world's largest waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20 supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagra Falls?"

Sardar controls mosquitoes

Santa was getting bitten by mosquitoes the whole night. He got irritated...drank poison & said, Ab kaato saalon, sab maroge!

Sardar's auto

Sardar was busy removing a wheel from his auto. A man asks sardar why are you removing a wheel from your auto.

Sardar : Can't you read the board. Parking is only for 2 wheeler.

Drunkard

A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer
and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
turn.

When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the
glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
Dubai, the other in Canadaand I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember
the days when we drank together.


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.


The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars
notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,"
I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere
condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no,"
he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .


" The only thing is
...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............
...............

...............

...............


...............

...............


...............

...............

...............


............ ...

...............

...............

...............

...............

...............


I just quit drinking!!!

Salary hiking strategy

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

Sardar divorces

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.

Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?

Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

How to ask your boss for a salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!


Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately.

I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon

Your$ $incerely

Norman $oh

!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply


Dear NOrman

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

Yours truly

Manager

Terrorism V Marriage

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."

-- Sam Kinison

Two sides of a coin

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;

they stay together but still they don't face each other, .

Sardar buys a mobile phone

Sardar with a new mobile called everyone from his Phone Book & said "My Mobile No. has changed. Earlier it was Nokia 3310 Now it is Nokia 6610"

Sardar works at museum

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: Tipu's skeleton.

Tourist: Who's that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was Tipu's skeleton when he was child

Sardar buys a radio

Banta: You cheated me.

Shopkeeper: No, I sold a good radio to u.

Banta: Radio label shows "Made in Japan" but radio says this is "All India Radio" !

Sardar at an accident spot

At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I have lost my hand, oh!

Santa: Control yourself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he crying?

Sardar at museum

At a museum

Curator : That's a 500-year-old statue u've broken.

Banta: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.

Sardar the Terrororist

2 sardar were fixing a bomb in a car.

Sardar 1: What would you do if the bomb explodes while fixing.

Sardar 2: Dont worry, I have one more.

Sardar & his boss

Boss: Where were you born?

Sardar: Punjab..

Boss: which part?

Sardar: Kya which part? Whole body born in Punjab.

New wife

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to control your son!

Order

Men and women on earth die and go to heaven. God comes and says:- "I want the men to form two queues, one line for the men who had control over their women, and the other one for the men who were controlled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go away so that no man and woman can talk." Next time God comes back, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were controlled by their women is 100 miles long, and in the line of men who had control over their women there is only one man. God gets mad and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all controlled by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!" "Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replies, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Management Lesson

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight,built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.

By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"

The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Management Lesson: "Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one."

Impact of job change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –

I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years..."

An email forward i received

Often we get forwarded mails
But sometimes it happens to be of a useful one for us.
Happened to get such one
I am sure it will be useful worth a read..,

It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do :

The elbow

is the strongest point

on your body.

If you are close enough to use it,

do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide

in New Orleans.

If a robber asks

for your wallet and/or purse,

DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM .

Toss it away from you....

chances are

that he is more interested

in your wallet and/or purse

than you,

and he will go

for the wallet/purse.

RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown

into the trunk of a car,

kick out the back tail lights

and stick your arm out the hole

and start waving like crazy.

The driver won't see you,

but everybody else will.

This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency

to get into their cars after shopping,

eating, working, etc.,

and just sit (doing their checkbook,

or making a list, etc.

DON'T DO THIS!)

The predator

will be watching you,

and this is the perfect opportunity

for him to get in

on the passenger side,

put a gun to your head,

and tell you where to go.

AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,

LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone

is in the car

with a gun

to your head

DO NOT DRIVE OFF,

repeat:

DO NOT DRIVE OFF!

Instead gun the engine

and speed into anything,

wrecking the car.

Your Air Bag will save you.

If the person is

in the back seat

they will get the worst of it ...

As soon as the car crashes

bail out and run.

It is better than having them

find your body

in a remote location.

5 . A few notes about getting

into your car in a parking lot,

or parking garage:

A.) Be aware:

look around you,

look into your car,

at the passenger side floor ,

and in the back seat

B..) If you are parked next to a big van,

enter your car from the passenger door ...

Most serial killers attack their victims

by pulling them into their vans

while the women are attempting

to get into their cars.

C..) Look at the car

parked on the driver's side

of your vehicle,

and the passenger side.

If a male is sitting alone

in the seat nearest your car,

you may want to walk back

into the mall, or work,

and get a guard/policeman

to walk you back out.

IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS

take the elevator

instead of the stairs.

(Stairwells are horrible places

to be alone

and the perfect crime spot.

This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun

and you are not under his control,

ALWAYS RUN!

The predator will only hit you

(a running target)

4 in 100 times;

And even then,

it most likely

WILL NOT

be a vital organ.

RUN,

Preferably !

in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women,

we are always trying

to be sympathetic:

STOP .

It may get you raped,

or killed.

Ted Bundy,

the serial killer,

was a good-looking,

well educated man,

who ALWAYS played

on the sympathies

of unsuspecting women.

He walked with a cane,

or a limp,

and often asked

"for help"

into his vehicle

or with his vehicle,

which is when he abducted

his next victim.

************ * Here it is *******

9. Another Safety Point:

Someone just told me

that her friend heard

a crying baby on her porch

the night before last,

and she called the police

because it was late

and she thought it was weird.

The police told her

"Whatever you do,

DO NOT

open the door."

The lady

then said that

it sounded like the baby

had crawled near a window,

and she was worried

that it would crawl

to the street

and get run over.

The policeman said,

"We already have a unit on the way,

whatever you do,

DO NOT open the door."

He told her that they think

a serial killer

has a baby's cry recorded

and uses it to coax

women out of their homes

thinking that someone

dropped off a baby

He said they have not verified it,

but have had several calls

by women saying that

they hear baby's cries

outside their doors

when they're home alone

at night.

Please pass this on and

DO NOT

open the door

for a crying baby ----

This

e-mail should probably

be taken seriously because

the Crying Baby theory

was mentioned on

America 's Most Wanted

this past Saturday

when they profiled

the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you

to forward this

to all the women you know.

It may save a life.

A candle is not dimmed

by lighting another candle.

I was going to send this to the ladies only,

but guys,

if you love your mothers,

wives,

sisters,

daughters, etc.,

you may want to

pass it onto them, as well.

Send this

to any woman you know

that may need

to be reminded

that the world we live in

has a lot of crazies in it

and it's better to be safe

than sorry.