Festival Date Day
REPUBLIC DAY 26-Jan-2010 Sunday
HOLI 16-Mar-2010 Sunday
MAY DAY 01-May-2010 Saturday
INDEPENDENCE DAY 15-Aug-2010 Sunday
GANDHI JAYANTI 02-Oct-2010 Saturday
DASSERA 17-Oct-2010 Sunday
DIWALI 05-Nov-2010 Sunday
CHRISTMAS 25-Dec-2010 Saturday
Not such a sweet news for Government employees, students, etc..,
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Living in 2009
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2 You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list
AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Genius Salesman from India
The Manager says: "Do you have any sales experience?"
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chap so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
“If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a large fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I asked him where he's going fishing and he said down on the
coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sold him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."
The Indian says: "Sir, I was a salesman back home in India."
Well, the boss liked the Indian chap so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow.. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, Just ONE sale."
The boss says: "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
“If you want to keep this job, you'd better be doing better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Indian boy says: " $101 237. 64"
Boss says: "$101 237. 64? What the hell did you sell?"
Indian boy says: "Sir, First I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a large fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I asked him where he's going fishing and he said down on the
coast, so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the boating department and I sold him twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to our automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.
I then ask him where he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper camper tents.
Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about $100 worth of groceries and two cases of beer.
The boss said: "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fishhook and you sold him a boat, a 4X4 truck and a tent?"
Indian boy says: "No Sirji, actually he came in to buy Anacin for his headache, and I said: Well, fishing is the best way to relax your mind."
Monday, December 28, 2009
A Small Story…
A boy and a girl were playing together. The boy had a collection of marbles. The girl had some sweets with her. The boy told the girl that he will give her all his marbles in exchange for her sweets. The girl agreed.
The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.
That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn’t sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.
Moral of the story: If you don’t give your hundred percent in a relationship, you’ll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent.. This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship etc., Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully
The boy kept the biggest and the most beautiful marble aside and gave the rest to the girl. The girl gave him all her sweets as she had promised.
That night, the girl slept peacefully. But the boy couldn’t sleep as he kept wondering if the girl had hidden some sweets from him the way he had hidden his best marble.
Moral of the story: If you don’t give your hundred percent in a relationship, you’ll always keep doubting if the other person has given his/her hundred percent.. This is applicable for any relationship like love, employer-employee relationship etc., Give your hundred percent to everything you do and sleep peacefully
Sunday, December 27, 2009
The president
A little boy wanted Rs.50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , INDIA , they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.
The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs. 30.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy,
and he did not want to spoil the kid.
The little boy was delighted with Rs. 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God,
which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs. 20 as tax ... "
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God , INDIA , they decided to forward it to the President of the India as a joke.
The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs. 30.
The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money (Rs.50) to a little boy,
and he did not want to spoil the kid.
The little boy was delighted with Rs. 30, and decided to write a thank you note to God,
which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money.
However, I noticed that you sent it through the Rashtrapati Bhavan in New Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs. 20 as tax ... "
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Lessons in Logic
If your father is a poor man,
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
It’s your stupidity.
.......
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.......
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.......
it is your fate but,
if your father-in-law is a poor man,
It’s your stupidity.
.......
I was born intelligent -
education ruined me.
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
.......
How come "abbreviated" is such a long word?
.......
Friday, December 25, 2009
A saint asked his disciples, 'Why do we shout in anger? Why do people
shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, Because we lose our
calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the
saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why
do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their
hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able
to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to
shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They
don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are
very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens?
They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other
in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at
each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they
love each other.'
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say
words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the
distance is so great
shout at each other when they are upset?'
Disciples thought for a while, one of them said, Because we lose our
calm, we shout for that.'
'But, why to shout when the other person is just next to you?' asked the
saint. 'Isn't it possible to speak to him or her with a soft voice? Why
do you shout at a person when you're angry?'
Disciples gave some other answers but none satisfied the saint.
Finally he explained, 'When two people are angry at each other, their
hearts distance a lot. To cover that distance they must shout to be able
to hear each other. The angrier they are, the stronger they will have to
shout to hear each other through that great distance.'
Then the saint asked, 'What happens when two people fall in love? They
don't shout at each other but talk softly, why? Because their hearts are
very close. The distance between them is very small...'
The saint continued, 'When they love each other even more, what happens?
They do not speak, only whisper and they get even closer to each other
in their love. Finally they even need not whisper, they only look at
each other and that's all. That is how close two people are when they
love each other.'
MORAL: When you argue do not let your hearts get distant, do not say
words that distance each other more, else there will come a day when the
distance is so great
Thursday, December 24, 2009
The Boss
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….:p
Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST
The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"
So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….:p
Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I'm having a baby
A three-year-old walked up to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Then why did you eat him?"
He inquisitively asked the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "I'm having a baby."
With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She answered, "He sure is."
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked,
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Then why did you eat him?"
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Laws Which Newton Forgot to State
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
***
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
***
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
***
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
***
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
***
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
***
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
***
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
***
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
***
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
***
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
***
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
***
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
***
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
***
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
***
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
***
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
***
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
***
***
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
***
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
***
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
***
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
***
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
***
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
***
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
***
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
***
Try not to become a man of success, but rather try to become a man of value.
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
***
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
***
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR : After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
***
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
***
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
***
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!
***
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
***
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
***
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
***
Monday, December 21, 2009
90-year-old man
A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling.
"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"... Said the Doc.
"I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked.
The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle.
BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him."
"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. Someone else must have shot that lion."
"Exactly"... Said the Doc.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Doctor's Medical Certificate
Doctor Certified
I certify that Mr. /Miss ________________ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.
Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.
Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.
The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc.
which can directly lead to heart strokes.
In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Sd/- Dr. Impatient
I certify that Mr. /Miss ________________ _ , working in your organization, is suffering from 'time-bound' illness.
Due to this, he/she will NOT be able to work more than 8 hours a day and 5 days a week.
Any attempt to stretch beyond this timing will lead to severe health problems.
The losses to the company due to medical reimbursements will be far more compared to the gains made by stretching beyond 8 hours.
It is also warned to keep my patient away from any kind of shocking news such as " Come over weekend..", " Let's work on holiday..", " Leave cannot be granted. ." etc.
which can directly lead to heart strokes.
In view of the above, it is strongly recommended to adjust your deadlines in accordance with the convenience of my patient.
Sd/- Dr. Impatient
Saturday, December 19, 2009
A surprise gift that accelerates from 0 to 100 within 4 seconds
The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.
Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...
'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'
Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.
And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought. !
A WEIGHING MACHINEThe poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder!
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Fairy tale
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
Moral: Men should remember that Fairies are female.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.
She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.
I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
Moral: Men should remember that Fairies are female.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
CRAZY not equal to STUPID
One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of mental health).
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient from the Mental Health Institute (IMH) happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem. no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at this Mental Institute?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient from the Mental Health Institute (IMH) happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem. no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..." Here's what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"
The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at this Mental Institute?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
