Typewriter / handwritten note...

A Joke ! ;-) A divorce scene was getting rough and hot between husband and wife
before the judge.

Wife argued fiercely, "Your honor I kept child in this womb for nine
long months, brought baby out with pain and suffering, then whose baby
it is?"

The judge looks at fuming husband and asked, "What do you have to say hubby?"

The husband thundered, "Your honor, if I insert a dollar in cola
vending machine's hole and a can of cola drops, whose cola is it?
Machine's or mine?

Wife would not accept this and replied, "Sir Judge, it was my bottle
of milk and if some one injected his couple drops of yogurt maker mix
then whose yogurt it is? Big milk-maker's or a small drop pusher's?

Husband replied, "Yes Judge but listen to me, when I pushed a letter
in typewriter, jumped and danced hard pressing all the excitable keys
to print the letter, then whose letter it is? Mine or typewriter's?

Judge was loosing his brain and yelled, "You knuckle-head instead of
using typewriter if you had used your handwritten note, none of these
would have happened."

Nagging wife

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ’He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow ? Thanks

Honorable Husbands

Position of a Husband is just like a Split AC

No matter however Loud he is in the Outdoor

He is designed to remain Silent indoor...

"Husband is one who is the head of the family, but his wife is the neck, and whichever way she turns, he goes."

A man in Hell asked Devil:Can I make a call to my Wife?

After making call he asked how much to pay.

Devil : Nothing, Hell to hell is Free.

Husband: Do you know the meaning of WIFE?

It means, Without Information, Fighting Everytime!

Wife: No darling, it means - With Idiot For Ever

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper,So I'd be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper,So I could have a new one every day.

Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping Pills.

Wife: When must I give it to him?

Doctor: No, it is for you

Wife: What will you give me if I climb the great Mount Everest ?

Husband: A lovely Push...!

A surprise gift that accelerates from 0 to 100 within 4 seconds

The wife was very unhappy with her car and complained a lot to her husband.

Knowing her birthday was coming up shortly, she said to her husband...

'Buy me a surprise for my birthday!' she said. 'Something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in 4 seconds! And I would prefer a blue one!'

Happy and excited she was counting down the days to her birthday.

And on the day she finally she got the beautiful present her husband thoughtfully bought. !

A WEIGHING MACHINE

The poor guy is dead today, and his wife's in jail for murder!

A Fairy tale

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.

Moral: Men should remember that Fairies are female.

Perils of Online errors

Wrong email id -- too good


A man checked into a hotel.
There was a computer in his room,
So he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address,
and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile...


Somewhere in Houston ,
a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral.
The widow decided to check her e-mail,
expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.


After reading the first message, she fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room,
found his mother on the floor,
and saw the computer screen which read:
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*

*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 21 Nov 2009



I know you're surprised to hear from me.
They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.
I've just reached and have been checked in..
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you TOMORROW!

Software Engineer & his wife..

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.


Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.


Wife - but I told you about it in morning

Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.


Wife - hae bhagwan ! forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.


Wife - at least give me your credit card, I can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.


Wife - I made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.


Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.


Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to Reboot.


Wife - what is the relation between you & your Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.


Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.


Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.


Wife - I will go to my dad's house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will Close.


Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.


Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.


Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer .

Wife dead

Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should be buried or cremated?

Man: Don't take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.

Wives

It is difficult to understand GOD.

He makes such beautiful things as women and then he turns them into Wives !

Wife

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'

'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'

'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'

'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'

'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'

'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

Wife

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Wife

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Join the queue

Join the queue
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a Solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, But I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."
What happened to her?"
"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin?"

"My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the First one asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?

The man replied, "Join the queue…………………………"

Wrong email id

No serious thoughts please ……………………………….

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed a wrong e-mail address, and without
realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile....Somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting condolence
messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message, she fainted. The
widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and
saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached
Date: 16 May 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They gave computers here,
and we are allowed to send e-mails to loved ones.

I've just reached and have been checked in.
I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Marriage

Ritu: Why are you upset?
Savita: I am not upset but scared
Ritu: Why?
Savita: I am getting married and my mother told me that I have to treat my husband like a God.
Ritu: You don’t have to worry for that. At the beginning of married life, every gal treats her husband as GOD but later the alphabets got reversed..!

Sardar divorces

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.

Judge asked: How'll U divide your kids, U"VE 3 children?

Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR

Two sides of a coin

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;

they stay together but still they don't face each other, .

New wife

A newly wed girl was being welcomed at the husband's home in a traditional manner. She was asked to give a little speech. She addressed as follows:

"My dear family members, I thank you for welcoming me in my new home and family", she said "Firstly, with my presence I would not want to create any inconveniences by my being here. I mean that I don't want you all to change your way of life, your routine."

"What do you mean my child?" asked the patriarch of the family.

What I mean dad is:

Those who used to wash dishes must carry on washing them.
Those who used to do the laundry must carry on doing it.
Those who cooked shouldn't stop on my account.
Those who used to clean should clean.

As for me, I am here just to control your son!

Wife

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Sacha Gui try

Mother in law story

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law.
In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.
Days passed, and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting.But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband the great distress.
Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-! law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it! Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all.Mr. Huang thought for awhile, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do.
"Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving.Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you, when she dies, you must be very careful to act very friendly towards her. "Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen." Li-Li was so happy.She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law.
Weeks went by, and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper!r, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset. She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with.The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in- law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.
One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law. She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."