The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Never be a Developer

Introduction:
Roshan D'Mello (QA Tester) 
Developer (Mukesh Thakur) 
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Roshan D'Mello: Hey Mukesh, there is a bug in your code. Type a text in username text box and press enter. Beep sound doesn't appear.

Mukesh Thakur: How can that be a bug? There is no requirement that beep sound should come. Anyway, I will assign it to offshore and get it fixed.


After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Roshan, bug is fixed. Please verify.

After another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello :  I have re-opened the bug because sound is not coming in some PCs. Sound is coming in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry is not getting the sound.


After another 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : Not a bug. I observed that your friend Rajat Choudhry has Old IBM machine. Unlike your DELL machine, IBM machines do not have inbuilt speakers. So, to hear the sound in Rajat Choudhry's machine, please use head phones and then get the bug closed soon.


Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello :  I have re-opened the bug because sound tone is different across different machines. Sound is coming as 'BEEP' in my machine, but my colleague Rajat Choudhry who is having IBM machine is getting the sound as 'TONG'.

Mukesh Thakur: Not a bug. Get lost man. What can we do for the bug? The Two machines are built in such a way that they produce different sounds. Do you expect the developers to rebuild the IBM processors to make them uniform?
Please close it.


Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello :  I have re-opened the bug because intensity of beep sound produced on 2 different DELL machines is different. My machine produces beep sound of intensity 10 decibels whereas my friend's machine produces sound worth 20 decibels. Fix your code to make the sound uniform across all machines..
 
Another 2 days later,

Mukesh Thakur :  Once again it is not a bug. I have noticed that the volume set is different on the two machines. Ensure that volume is same in both the machines before I get mad and then close the bug.
 

Another 2 days,

Roshan D'Mello :  I have re-opened the bug.

Mukesh Thakur :  What ?? Why? What more stupid reasons can be there for re-opening?

Roshan D'Mello:  Sound intensity is different for machines placed at different locations (different buildings). So, I have re-opened it.


After 2 days,

Mukesh Thakur : I have made some scientists do an acoustical analysis of the two buildings you used for testing. They have observed that the acoustics in the two buildings varies to a large extent. That is why sound intensity is different across the 2 buildings. So, I beg you to please close the bugs.


After 1 year

Roshan D'Mello :  I am re-opeing the bug. During the year, I requested The clients to arrange architects to build two buildings with same acoustical features, so that I can test it again. Now, when I tested, I found that intensity of sound still varying. So, I am re-opening the defect.

Mukesh Thakur : GROWLLLL.....I am really mad now. I am sure that the sound waves of the two buildings are getting distorted due to some background noice or something. Now I need to waste time to prove that it is because of background noice.

Roshan D'Mello :   No need for that. We will put the machines and run them in vacuum and see.

Mukesh Thakur:  ??

Result-----------------------
He is now in mental asylum while Roshan D’Mello has become QA Manager.

Reasons to worry about the year 2010

Festival Date Day

REPUBLIC DAY 26-Jan-2010 Sunday

HOLI 16-Mar-2010 Sunday

MAY DAY 01-May-2010 Saturday

INDEPENDENCE DAY 15-Aug-2010 Sunday

GANDHI JAYANTI 02-Oct-2010 Saturday

DASSERA 17-Oct-2010 Sunday

DIWALI 05-Nov-2010 Sunday

CHRISTMAS 25-Dec-2010 Saturday

Not such a sweet news for Government employees, students, etc..,

The Boss

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.

The ghost says: Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each"

So the eager senior manager shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff and he was gone.

Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails."Pfufffff and he was also gone.

The boss calmly said, "I want these two idiots back right now ." Pfuffff ……….:p

Lesson :- ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSSES TO SPEAK FIRST

3 Parrots

A man wanted to buy his son a parrot as a birthday present.The next day he went to the pet shop and sawthree identical parrots in a cage.
He asked the clerk, "how much for the parrot on the right?
The owner said it was Rs. 2500."Rs. 2500.", the man said. "Well what does he do?"He knows how to use all of the functions of Microsoft Office 2000, responds the clerk."He can do all of your spreadsheets and type all of your letters."
The man then asked what the second parrot cost.The clerk replied, Rs. 5000, but he not only knows Office 2000,but is an expert computer programmer.
Finally, the man inquired about the cost of the last parrot.The clerk replied, "Rs. 10,000."Curious as to how a bird can cost Rs. 10,000, the man asked what this bird's specialty was.The clerk replies, "Well to be honest I haven't seen him do anything.
But the other two call him "BOSS"!!

The Seed

A successful business man was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the business.
Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.
He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you. "The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued. "I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special SEED.I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you.I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO."
One man, named Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, received a seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed.Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.
Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew.. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing. By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure. Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing. Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however... He just kept watering and fertilizing the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow..
A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection. Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot. But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room. When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful -- in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!
When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.
Jim just tried to hide in the back. "My, what great plants, trees, and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the next CEO!"
All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front.Jim was terrified. He thought, "The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!"
When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed - Jim told him the story.
The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is Jim!" Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.
"How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.
Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed.. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow.
All of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my seed in it. Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"

Prayer before entering office

Alibaba & 30 Thieves

At first, it was Alibaba & 40 Thieves
now
it is Alibaba & 30 Thieves


WHY?

Poocho Kyon ?.......









Recession Boss!!!Alibaba had removed 10 thieves from his group.Cost Cutting...

Key to Success

After such a big research about the Key to success, the following 2 KEY THINGS were found to be only shortcut to success
and
a steep climb up the corporate ladder.....
Scroll down for more....
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One liners -- Hidden meanings in Company talk

1."We will do it" means "You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means "More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means "We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means "Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!"

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means "I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means "We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means "I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means "We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means "The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means "We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means "Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means "Well even if you told me earlier that would have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means "Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important; your leave is always granted. Just ensure that the work is not affected," means, "Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means, "I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means "You are in trouble"

Salary hiking strategy

In appraisal you may need to cry and beg for even 10% hike.

In resignation you can easily demand (or get even without asking) more than 50-60% hike.

Impact of job change

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath and stopped few centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, and then the driver said: "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver –

I've been driving a van carrying dead bodies for the last 25 years..."

Appraisal Vs Resignation

During appraisal, they will deny promotion saying you didn't meet the expectation, you don't have leadership qualities, and you had several drawbacks in our objective/goal.

During resignation, they will say you are the core member of team; you are the vision of the company how can you go, you have to take the project in shoulder and lead your juniors to success.

Management mantra

The crow, rabbit and fox

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered: ” Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate lesson

Corporate language

1."We will do it" means" You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means" More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means" We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means" Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!".

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means" I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means" We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means" I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means" We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means" We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means
" Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means" Well even if you told me earlier that would
have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means" Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important, your leave is always granted.
Just ensure that the work is not affected," means," Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means," I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means" You are in trouble"

Secret of Success in the corporate world......

After such a big research about the Key to success, the following was found to be the only shortcut to success and a steep climb up the corporate ladder...

Scroll down to know the secret