God is watching

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note,
and posted on the apple tray.

'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of  the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note,  'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.'

Circulation of blood

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make them understand, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
 

'Yes,' the class said.

'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'

A little fellow shouted, 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
 

Photograph

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.

'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

Hairs are white

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'

Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.'

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'

God

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'

The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'

Whales

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.

The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.'

The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'

The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him.'

Typewriter / handwritten note...

A Joke ! ;-) A divorce scene was getting rough and hot between husband and wife
before the judge.

Wife argued fiercely, "Your honor I kept child in this womb for nine
long months, brought baby out with pain and suffering, then whose baby
it is?"

The judge looks at fuming husband and asked, "What do you have to say hubby?"

The husband thundered, "Your honor, if I insert a dollar in cola
vending machine's hole and a can of cola drops, whose cola is it?
Machine's or mine?

Wife would not accept this and replied, "Sir Judge, it was my bottle
of milk and if some one injected his couple drops of yogurt maker mix
then whose yogurt it is? Big milk-maker's or a small drop pusher's?

Husband replied, "Yes Judge but listen to me, when I pushed a letter
in typewriter, jumped and danced hard pressing all the excitable keys
to print the letter, then whose letter it is? Mine or typewriter's?

Judge was loosing his brain and yelled, "You knuckle-head instead of
using typewriter if you had used your handwritten note, none of these
would have happened."

3 Kick Rule

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Cowra . He shot and
dropped a bird, but it fell int o a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence.
 
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his
tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a
duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
 
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming
over here."
 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial lawyers in Australia
and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you
own."
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle
disputes in North Cowra . We settle small disagreements like this with the
'Three Kick Rule.'
 
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
 
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to
go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on
back and forth until someone gives up."
 
The lawyer quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he
could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the
attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel-toed work boot
into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to t he midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his
mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear
end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
 
Summoning every bit of his will and remaining strength the lawyer very
slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his
jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
 
(I love this part)
 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
 
When you are educated, you'll believe only half of what you hear.
 
When you're intelligent, you know which half.

Nagging wife

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.This continued off and on for several weeks.Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: ‘I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.’

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: ’He lives in a home, with my non stop chatting and nagging wife, he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow ? Thanks

Honey Moon Photo,Scroll Carefully (18+)

..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The Art of Appraisal

Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".

Kumar: What? How come 'average'?

Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.

Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.

Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.

Kumar: What???

Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.

Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.

Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.

Kumar: Huh? *Confused*

Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.

Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?

Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.

Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*

Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.

Kumar: *head spinning*

Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.

Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.

Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.

Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?

Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.

Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.

Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.

Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?

Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.

Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?

Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!

Kumar: *faints*

Cheer Up

You may review  current status w.r. to point number 5 to 8  

1 . If time doesn't wait for you, don't worry! Just remove the damn battery from the clock and Enjoy life!

2 . Expecting the world to treat u fairly coz u r a good person is like expecting the lion not to attack u coz u r a vegetarian . Think about it .

3 . Beauty isn't measured by outer appearance and what clothes we wear,but what we are inside. So, try going out naked tomorrow and see the Admiration!

4 . Don't walk as if you rule the world, walk as if you don't care who rules the world!
That's called Attitude . Keep on rocking!

5 . Every lady hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did!!!

6 . He was a good man .. He never smoked, drank had no affair . When he died,the insurance company refused the claim . They said, he who never lived, cannot die!

7 . A man threw his wife in a pond of Crocodiles . He's now being harassed by the Animal Rights Activists for being cruel to the Crocodiles!

8 . So many options for suicide:
Poison, sleeping pills, hanging, jumping from a building, lying on train tracks, but we chose Marriage, slow but sure!

9 . Only 20 percent boys have brains, rest has girlfriends!

10 . All desirable things in life are either illegal, banned, expensive or Married to someone else!

11 . 10% of road accidents are due to drunken driving .
This makes it a logical statement that 90% of accidents are due to driving without drinking!

Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere

In a poor zoo of India, a lion was frustrated as he was offered not more than 1 kg meat a day. The lion thought its prayers were answered when one US Zoo Manager  visited the zoo and requested the zoo management to shift the lion to the US Zoo.

The lion was so happy and started thinking of a central A/c environment, a goat or two every day and a US Green Card also. On its first day after arrival, the lion was offered a big bag, sealed very nicely for breakfast.

The lion opened it quickly but was shocked to see that it contained a few bananas. Then the lion thought that may be they cared too much for him as they were worried about his stomach as he had recently shifted from India
.

The next day the same thing happened. On the third day again the same food bag of bananas was delivered. The lion was so furious, it stopped the delivery boy and blasted at him, 'Don't you know I am the lion...king of the Jungle..., what's wrong with your management?, what nonsense is this?,
why are you delivering bananas to me?'

The delivery boy politely said, 'Sir, I know you are the king of the jungle but  ... Did you know that you have been brought here on a monkey's visa!!!

Moral of Story:

Better to be a Lion in India than a Monkey elsewhere  !!! !!

Five surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

 

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

 

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

   

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

 

 The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over."

 

  But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he Observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.

There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable

Sell and buy car: http://www.garagedelparco.com

Buying a used car is an easy way to do by going to the local car dealer. The prospective buyer of the used car keeps a tab with the local garage and sometimes it would be a car service centre situated nearby to his place of living. He / she approaches the sales / service personnel at the dealer to know whether any of the customers are selling off their used cars.
Why go for a used car?
Why not buy a new car?
Used cars come cheap and somewhat a good value for money. But, still the buyer need to have an eye on the repairs and replacements that would be needed on the car in the near future. But a well maintained car does get to fetch the higher selling price.
But in this days of the internet should we go to the dealer and waste time and effort. Here comes an answer. http://www.garagedelparco.com is a one stop place to buy a used car or sell of your car. What not, users of this portal can get to know of the used cars available in London Its an Italian portal and the language used here is Italian.
Now, lets learn some of the Italian words
auto usate milano in Italy means "Used cars London", vendita auto usate means "Used cars for sale" and


 compro auto usate means  "buy used cars" This Italian portal is in business since 1978 with experience and professionalism, always attentive to the needs and customer satisfaction. Efficiency, competence and thoroughness are their trump cards to continue to offer service and assistance, safe, guaranteed and worthy of trust.  If you do not know Italian language the google translation tool comes in handy, just click here <<garagedelparco >> for the translated version of the site.
The portal gives details on reaching them. It is also very much easier to sell of used car if you have