Oh God !

Diet Cola

Problem solved

Order, order

A drunkard was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted,
"Order, order."

The drunkard immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honour, I'll have a scotch and soda."

Train

Woman: Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Woman: Don't try to be funny. I mean to ask if I can take this train to New Delhi .
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.

Capitalism

Sardar the student

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji.

He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Difficult question posed to Sardar

Sardar found the answer to the most difficult question ever

What will come first, Chicken or egg?

O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.

Father thy nighbour

A father put his three year old daughter to bed,
Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless Mummy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mummy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mummy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be ok.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day
he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said
"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened
HERE.
He asked "What"??????
She said "This morning our neighbor James suddenly died."

Corporate language

1."We will do it" means" You will do it"

2."You have done a great job" means" More work to be given to you"

3."We are working on it" means" We have not yet started working on the same"

4."Tomorrow first thing in the morning" means" Its not getting done "At least not tomorrow!".

5."After discussion we will decide-I am very open to views" means" I have already decided, I will tell you what to do"

6."There was a slight miscommunication" means" We had actually lied"

7."Lets call a meeting and discuss" means" I have no time now, will talk later"

8."We can always do it" means" We actually cannot do the same on time"

9."We are on the right track but there needs to be a slight extension of the deadline" means
"The project is screwed up, we cannot deliver on time."

10."We had slight differences of opinion "means" We had actually fought"

11."Make a list of the work that you do and let's see how I can help you" means
" Anyway you have to find a way out no help from me"

12."You should have told me earlier" means" Well even if you told me earlier that would
have made hardly any difference!"

13."We need to find out the real reason" means" Well I will tell you where your fault is"

14."Well Family is important, your leave is always granted.
Just ensure that the work is not affected," means," Well you know..."

15."We are a team," means," I am not the only one to be blamed"

16."That's actually a good question" means "I do not know anything about it"

17."All the Best" means" You are in trouble"

Marry not more than once

Why Government does NOT allow a Man to MARRY two Women.

Do you know why??

As per Constitution, you can NOT BE PUNISHED TWICE for the same mistake.

Pray XX Pay

When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.

Even after you pray, if you are still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.

Congrats for your mistake

Question : When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE.

Answer : On their MARRIAGE.

Girl Friend

If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life.

If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.

4 ants & 1 elephant

Let us be generous like this : Four Ants are moving through a forest.

They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them.

Ant 1 says : we should KILL him.

Ant 2 says : No, Let us BREAK his Leg alone.

Ant 3 says : No, we will just THROW him away from our path..

Ant 4 says : No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR.

Love

Love your friends not their sisters.

Love your sisters not their friends.

FASTEST means of Communication

1. Tele-Phone

2. Tele-Vision

3. Tell to Woman

Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANYONE..

One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption

Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD

After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY

Wise men

A foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking,

but

A WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.

3 Easy Ways to Die

Take a Cigar daily - You will die 10 years early.

Drink Rum daily - You will die 30 years early.

Love Someone Truly - You will die daily.